That’s all I have

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I went outside and screamed to them “This is all the light I have!”

They were working there in the dark and under freezing temperatures, raking and blowing the leaves around the house, trying to get everything cleaned up before this week’s leaf pick-up truck. They had been cleaning the garden for the last three days nonstop.

I turned on the lights around the house but knew they were still not enough for them to see their work. They looked at me not understanding what exactly I was talking about. Maybe my accent? Maybe the unexpected visit? So I repeated it even louder: “THIS IS ALL THE LIGHT I HAVE! HOPE IT WILL HELP?”  They smiled back saying thank you a few times.

I guess when we scream loud enough we finally hear our own voice. “THIS IS ALL THE LIGHT I HAVE” and I’m giving it to you… I stood there for a second in the cold night while hearing the echo of  the leaf blower and my thoughts, “ALL I HAD AND I GAVE IT ALL..”  It had been a rough month for me, hustling with ideas, experiencing death, working long hours, trying to achieve financial comfort or stability, dealing with family matters, just a bunch of  stuff that sometimes felt too heavy to carry. How many times I wanted to be the last one in the room and turn off the lights and leave… That feeling of falling while trying to grab to something came and went, and a quick movie passed in my head of all the people who left me because all they could do at that moment in their life was to take care of themselves. And how I stayed and stayed because quitting was never an option for myself.

The night reminded me of those days when I felt I had nothing else inside of me to give away, but somehow found something to give to someone. It’s cold out here. And exhausting.  Life can be like this sometimes, cold, dark, and it doesn’t matter, because like the night, it ain’t over till it’s over.

 

 

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